Coffee anyone?

Coffee is a brewed beverage prepared from the roasted seeds of the coffee plant, colloquially called coffee beans.

The Hive produces some of the worst coffee known to Mankind. Fortunately, the Hive also makes it close to impossible for Mankind to get this coffee...

- Wikipedia (2017)


Straight from the reception, Noo wandered to the coffee corner. He was still pondering the Goggl Translat. If this was meant to be a Universal Translator, its many glitches and botched translations certainly were introducing a number of communication hazards...

Noo arrived at the coffee corner. Nobody could be seen. At the end of the corridor he could see some da heiwa watch him with their round, unblinking eyes ("expectantly?", Noo thought, puzzled)

He saw the coffee machine and swallowed. It was large, black, looming and slightly sinister... Noo looked for a coffee menu and finally found a small button labelled 'menu'. He pressed it, and almost jumped as the machine came to life with a deep groan.

"Access to [digger digger] restricted", the coffee machine said in a strangely metallic slurred voice, "Stand still". A hatch quickly opened and his photo was taken with a dry click and a blinding flash, then the hatch whirred close again.

"What the...", Noo started, still blinking and disoriented but he was interrupted by the machine.

"Insert employed passsss", it barked and another hatch opened, exposing a slot. For some reason, the slot was at floor level. Noo was too startled to ask any questions, and started to really need a cup of coffee now, so he bent over and inserted his new pass in the slot. It buzzed lightly, then quickly accepted the card and swallowed it.

"Hey! My pass!", Noo shouted and was again cut short by the coffee machine. "Passss no acceptance!", it started humming in a menacing way, "termination imminent..."

"Listen", Noo said, "I just want a cup of coffee..." The menacing hum-hum-hum stopped immediately.
"Please choose 'menu'", the machine said, suddenly very calm. The 'menu' button lit up in an inviting pink color.

"What about my pass?", Noo asked suspiciously, "I really need it..."

The coffee machine ho-hummed and then said solemnly, "Must follow [dogger] proceeds, step uno: coffee, steeep duo: passsss". Noo grinned. Apparently Goggl Translat was deeply embedded in the Hive, and the silly translation errors could be amusing. But they were also becoming quite impractical.

He sighed and clicked 'menu'.

"Access to [digger digger] restricted!", the coffee machine said immediately, "Stand still". Again the photo hatch opened and Noo was blinded yet again as his photo was taken. The hatch whirred close again with a small amused hickup.

"Are you crazy???", Noo shouted, "what's this all about?!". "Insert employed passsss", the machine announced and opened the floor-level hatch again.

"I can't insert my pass, you idiot", Noo retorted, "you already took it!"

The coffee machine seemed to take this into consideration. "You need pass?", it asked.

"Yes", Noo said testily, "you took it away from me..."

"Please state name", it was now back at being large, looming and mechanically official. Noo had the uneasy feeling that this conversation was going into increasingly erratic circles. "Agnew Tudisz", he sighed, but the machine again interrupted. "Please use flowing formant: [latest name], [foist name]", it said and let out a small beep.

Noo struggled to understand, and then thought he did. "Tudisz, Agnew", he said.

"You say 'Tudisz, Agnew', conform?", the coffe machine asked. "Yes", said Noo.

The machine went silent with an occasional ho-hum, as it sorted through the collection of passes it had acquired over the years. "Hello?", Noo asked, "what's happening?"

The machine ho-hummed one more time and then announced, "Passsss no find. Names no match". And it went silent with an annoyed click.

Noo's mouth fell open. "You gotta be kidding!", he exclaimed, "Give me my pass!". He was now really getting irritated. "Oh come one, you have my pass..."

With a tired groan the machine came to life again. "Yes...?", it asked.

"You have my pass, I want it back". Noo was now determined, "Oh, and I want coffee"

"Please choose 'menu'", the machine said, sounding tired suddenly. The 'menu' button lit up in pink again, but it didn't really convince this time.

"No", said Noo firmly, "Give me back my pass first."

The machine groaned and clicked a couple of times, and asked, "Please state name". Noo opened his mouth but then decided not to answer yet. After an interval that was just a bit too long to not answer the question, the machine continued, "Please use flowing formant: [latest name], [foist name]", and beeped again.

"Tudisz, Ag..", Noo started and then realized that this did not work earlier. "Agnew, Tudisz", he corrected quickly. "You say 'Agnew, Tudisz', conform?", the coffee machine asked. "Yes", said Noo.

The machine immediately went into ho-hum mode again, and after a number of minutes whistled. "Find passss", it murmeled, "please enter [digger] covery code". Yet another panel opened, exposing a keyboard with three-thousand thirty-seven different da heiwa characters.

"Are you out of your mind?", Noo almost screamed, "what recovery code? I have never been given a recovery code! And how am I supposed to navigate this alphabet?"

The coffee machine re-asserted itself and started looming again. "Covery code embedded in passss combinatered with biological metricals!", it boomed, "Failing know this mandatorial procedure may result in termination!". It loomed some more and said, "Termination imminent..."

"It's re-co-ve-ry code, you moron!", Noo screamed, "And nobody explained anything when I just got my pass!!! Who approved you getting my biometrics anyway???". He was now positively seething with rage.

The machine found a way to scrape its throat and make itself taller. "Hrmph... please provide biometricians for [latest name] Agnew, [foist name] Tudisz!", it bellowed. Two new hatches whirred open. The first hatch provided fingerprint identification whereas the second hatch provided optical identification. "Please provide biometricious simultaneous", the coffee machine intoned.

Noo looked at the hatches. How was he ever going to do this? The fingerprint identification unit had obviously been built for a da heiwa hand: it hand a thumb and three fingers, and for some reason, the optical unit was about half a meter below the fingerprint unit.

Noo shrugged. "Sod it", he thought, put his hand in the fingerprint unit and bent over to show his eye to the optical identification unit. "Please hold position...", the machine admonished, "this will only take five earth minutes...", and it started singing a rather warped rendition of 'My Way'

"And now, the not-now future end is near,
And so me facial the end-of-now certain."

The machine sang, turning the text into gibberish and the song into a sombre dirge.
After a couple of minutes, Noo started to cramp as the coffee machine moodily concluded:

"Yes, there not-now-past are times, I'm sure you new,
When I bite off more than I [digger digger digger] chew,
But through it all, when there not-now-past is doubt,
I consumer it up and split it out.
I facial it all and I not-now-past stand high
And not-now-past do it myyyyyyyyy road."

Singing stopped abruptly and the machine squeeked politely. "Identify complementary. Helooo Tudisz Agnew. Your passssss covery code is 'の1ア弓23矢区切り点'...please enter in passsss covery consolation"

The keyboard with the three-thousand thirty-seven different da heiwa characters lit up in friendly pink.

"You have 10 earth seconds", the machine advised friendly, "1...2..."

Noo groaned as he got up from his cramped position and wailed, "Listen, I don't know your alphabet, how do you expect me to enter a code I only heard onto...", he looked at the alien configuration in front of him, "...that???"

The coffee machine stopped counting. "Count downward abortion. Please provide biometricians for [latest name] Agnew, [foist name] Tudisz for document covery code for sound impaired", it said. Again the biometric identification hatches opened. "Please provide biometricious simultaneous", it concluded. 

Noo felt like crying. "Why are you doing this?", he shouted, "you already know who I am!"

"High secure coffee, secure must be pushed!", the machine answered, then admonished, "Please provide biometricious simultaneous"

Noo cursed and assumed the position. Immediately the machine started 'My Way', possibly a bit grimmer than before.

After five minutes, the macabre chant stopped and yet another hatch opened. A small piece of paper was spit out.

Noo picked it up and read 'の1ア弓23矢区切り点'

The machine immediately started its count down, and Noo scrambled to find the right keys in the bewildering array of characters.

"8...9...", grumbled the machine threateningly, and Noo pressed the last code character.

The machine blipped and the floor hatch opened. Slowly Noo's pass came out.

"Passss verified. Please take covered passss", the machine said. Noo did. He still needed coffee, now more than ever. Gingerly he pushed the 'menu' button.

"Access to [digger digger] restricted!", the coffee machine said immediately, "Stand still". Yet again the photo hatch opened and Noo was blinded as his photo was taken a third ttime. The hatch giggled and closed.
"Insert employed passsss", the machine went through his routine and opened the floor-level hatch. Noo bent over and inserted his pass. This time the machine let out a small surprised burp and stated, "Identify completely", and was silent for a moment.

Then, on the megalomanical sounds of Strauss's 'Also sprach Zarathustra' ("Where did they get that from?" Noo thought), the front of the machine opened up. Lights shimmered in many colors and Noo was again blinded, this time by the shiny interior which showed an intricate web of tubes which ultimately culminated in a discrete small valve with a cup under it. The machine buzzed as it produced a panel entitled 'MENU' with a single button: 'Coffee'.

Noo pushed it. The machine again broke into the degenerated version of 'My Way' as something came dripping out, one drop at a time.

After 5 minutes, the machine proudly concluded on a "I not-now-past do it myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy road!"

Noo took the cup and tasted it as the machine closed up and shut down. It was revolting.

Out of nowhere Vaseline appeared. "You like? Is heiwa lastest product! We produce many now, make millions!"

"Huh?", Noo started, "You want to sell this monster here???"

Vaseline interrupted him. "Marketing report is late. Please bring to me today" and he was off.

Noo sighed, shrugged, and took his little cup of ghastly stuff to his desk. He made a mental note to bring a thermos with coffee tomorrow.