Miserable Management

"It's difficult to clear the swamp when you are up to your armpits in alligators"

- Unknown

Both Noo and Lemon were slowly recovering from their frantic run through what Noo now termed as corridors of frenzy.

Noo gasped for air and still shivered thinking of printers incinerating Hivean testers after a third wrong password entry. A chill tickled his spine at the thought of a printer laying waste part of Washington DC with a controlled thermonuclear explosion for the same offense.

Lemon seemed completely out of his mind. He was obviously upset at what Noo had told him, yet he was again grinning like a Cheshire cat on steroids. Noo started to suspect that the maniacal grin could be Lemon's way of showing distress and quickly did a recap of all the times he had seen the grin, then decided he was right.

Vaseline looked at Noo and Lemon in stunned and (he hesitantly admitted to himself) slightly worried. Noo looked at Vaseline and Lemon and tried to speak. "The tests...", he gasped.

Lemon looked at Vaseline and considered breaking Decree number 15623.67: speak customer language at all times. For the moment he thought better not to.

Noo had finally found his breath. "Vaseline, you must stop the tests...", he said, "these printers could start an interstellar war..."

Vaseline looked at him expressionless. "Agnew, printers have been sell, printer must test, customer demands, we give", he said dryly.

"But those printers are weapons of mass destruction! We cannot sell thermonuclear office devices on earth!!!", Noo argued, "It is against all nuclear arms agreements! What idiot decided this sale anyway???"

Vaseline glared at Lemon. Why had he told Noo about this new printer feature? Lemon looked down quietly and grinned like Michelle Bachman on a variety of happy drugs. Vaseline swallowed his next spunge, looked at Noo, and blinked.

Once.

"Me has conduct sale", he said solemnly, "is breakthrough sale for da Heiwa, will put da Heiwa on map!"

"And it will take Washington DC off the map...", Noo added sourly. "Listen Vaseline, I am starting to understand that da Heiwa have a different view on security and product acceptance than we have on earth... but you cannot just go around blowing up cities in the name of security! In the best case you will lose a customer. In the worst case you will be at war with the United States!"

Vaseline again looked uncomprehending. "Me no understand. Worst case is lose customer, war is minor concern. Da Heiwa at open war with many customer but still sell printers and coffee machines..."

Noo's mouth fell open and he slumped in his seat. This day just kept throwing him into wild maelstroms of cultural dysfunction. He was stumped.

"But where did you get the idea to fit a nuclear device into a printer?", he asked weakly.

Vaseline smirked. "Noo should know! It was in mail!", he said triumphantly and pointed at a burnt piece of paper.

'Test 165434', Noo could read, and then a bewildering sequence of da Heiwa characters, all looking like a spectacular set of exotic snakes in glistening oil. The last 15 characters were underlined, and Vaseline translated: "No incinerate, explode"

"But who???", Noo almost screamed

Vaseline would have smiled, if he had taken the course 'earth interaction: happy'. "Customer", he said, "General McDoogle..."

Noo fainted