Introduction

The Drake bar equation (sometimes called the Green Bar equation or the Green Bar Formula) is an equation used to estimate the number of detectable extraterrestrial civilizations with bars in the Milky Way galaxy. It is used in the fields of exobiology and the Search for ExtraTerrestrial Intelligence (SETI)

The Drake equation states that:

N = R* . fp . ne . fℓ . fi . fb . fc . L

where:

N = the number of civilizations in our galaxy with which communication might be possible;

and

R* = the average rate of star formation per year in our galaxy

fp = the fraction of those stars that have planets

ne = the average number of planets that can potentially support life per star that has planets

fℓ = the fraction of the above that actually go on to develop life at some point

fi = the fraction of the above that actually go on to develop intelligent life

fb = the fraction of the above that actually go on to develop night life and cocktails

fc = the fraction of civilizations that develop a technology that releases detectable signs of their existence into space

L = the length of time for which such civilizations release detectable signals into space.

- Wikipedia (2012)

Mankind has always been on the lookout for a buddy to share a beer with.

In ancient times, knights roamed the earth to find other knights to drink and do battle with and save the occasional damsel in distress. Of course this was seen as a low-tech way to solve the issue, and as technology evolved and swords got rusty, the internet came about and finally social media were introduced. This filled the need for gossip, virtual bar brawls, senseless broadcasting of half-baked opinions and really bad hangovers. Mankind finally had its global bar.

This of course was not enough and thus Mankind set out on its great quest: to found an intergalactic bar. In a parallel approach, SETI tried to canvas the universe and listen for signs of intelligent life. At the same time, earth started broadcasting commercials into the universe, saturating all wavelengths with inanely simplistic but cunningly designed beer-related messages about beer nuts, liquid detergent, toys, cars, toothpaste, sex, furniture… Top marketing and advertising agencies were involved in this grand scheme and everybody made billions.

Earth had effectively turned itself into a huge Twitter, tweeting away into space, drowning out any intelligent communication and generally annoying its neighbors, who were less and less likely to share a beer with us.

Still, somebody responded and came to see…

…

As the spaceship dove into earth’s atmosphere, chaos was complete on the bridge of the Sin T’zin. Various alarms were blaring, the ship’s steering console was lighting up in various spectacular neon colors, making it all but impossible to make any sense of the instruments. The VP was screaming commands into his Goggl Translat, which translated calmly “thirty-six new odors to choose from, choose one for every armpit”.

“What zark he talk about?” shouted the marketing manager for Converged Billing, K’azz, who was trying to read the ship’s instruments and at least get his bearings while adhering to the ‘speak customer language’ protocol.

“No know”, the technical sales manager, K’izz, shouted back, “new language hard to understand!” He tried desperately to unlock the controls but somebody had apparently reprogrammed the key passwords the night before. The fact that their Goggl Translat units clearly had not been properly tested despite assurances from HQ did nothing to alleviate the situation. K’izz groaned in frustration, “shit!!!”

Both looked up annoyed when M’Axuel expressed being pleased at their improved command of the new language as decreed by HQ.

They never had considered it a hot idea to have language training during planetary descent, and now was certainly not the time to test their Goggl Translat universal translators.

Both K’izz and K’azz were acutely aware that M’Axuel had recommended to the VP that they be promoted to ‘Director of saving Da Heiwa’ and have responsibility to safely land the Sin T’zin on earth. Unfortunately, this had happened only 15 minutes before entering earth’s atmosphere and they were in no mood to exchange niceties in what could be the last 10 minutes of their lives. “Shut up!!!”, K’izz shouted at M’Axuel, “we’re trying to save your ass here! How’s that for customer language?”

M’Axuel looked as if he tried to swallow a bath sponge, and then said “You will be fired for this, K’izz…”

The VP’s voice rose to a piercing squeal and Goggl Translat quietly announced “I know a little song. Do you want me to sing it for you?”

K’izz kept pounding in new combinations only to get access denied messages, K’azz had started to scream and cry, the VP kept screaming orders quicker and louder (Goggl Translat: “You too can shave your feet and be happy!”) and M’Axuel had withdrawn to his desk to make some notes in his black book.

As the Sin T’zin was turning into a fiery ball plummeting to earth, K’izz tried the last combination he could think off and typed: 1-2-3-4-5

Immediately the alarms stopped, with the exception of one which kept wailing on until someone unplugged it. The controls came alive and the ship more or less stabilized itself and started to slow down automatically. K’izz slapped K’azz to snap him out of his panic and gingerly took the controls.

K’izz found out immediately that wiring had gone wrong somewhere. He tried to steer left and the ship slid to right in a sickening dive. Quickly K’izz adjusted and found that the ship was remarkably easy to handle as long as he mirrored his movements.

By this time the VP had decided that the Goggl Translat still needed some more testing and shut it off. “K’izz, we need to land to the left as ordered by HQ!”, he barked and K’izz moved the controls gently to the right. The VP glared at him. “I gave you an order…”, he started but then saw that the ship was effectively moving left in a gentle swoop and hesitated for a bit. “Consider yourself demoted from director of saving Da Heiwa to technical sales manager…” he concluded.

Finally, the Sin T’zin landed with an inglorious thud, taking out two city blocks in the process.

M’Axuel was the first to get up, dusted off his black book, made a note and announced “It seems I did rather well”, which earned him a polite round of applause from the VP and administrative support. K’izz and K’azz rolled their eyes but kept their silence.

“OK, time to go out there and open our office”, announced the VP. He pointed at K’azz, “you go first, the customer may be hostile…”

M’Axuel added “Please make sure to speak customer language as ordered by HQ, we must conquer this market! Don’t forget, we must give customer what he wants so ‘yes’ is preferred answer to all questions!” He looked at K’izz, “I expect marketing report on my desk tomorrow morning”

5,000 technicians were immediately set to work to fix all Goggl Translats within 5 minutes to make sure that the first communication with the inhabitants of this planet would be seamless.

When this was done, the VP looked around and said, “I just received message from HQ: the 26 have followed us into this market! They should be blocked from entering this market at all costs! Failure will be punished!”. Then he pushed K’azz toward the opening doors.